Filipinos love to party, go out of town or have a night out with a few friends, or many. We love doing enjoyable things with some or several people around us. We like having a nice dinner or coffee with friends and meeting them when we can. We laugh and take pleasure with the exchange of anecdotes or side comments of those with us. But before the gathering, is the planning stage. And in the planning stage we call our friends and tell them the date and place. Those who can go answer with a definite 'Yes!' But those who cannot go will answer with 'I'll try', or will not answer at all. Somehow I understand the hesitance to respond of those who cannot go, because I have noticed that there are those who cannot take 'no' for an answer. It is nice to know, though, that now that I am older, 'no' has been an acceptable answer.
So here is my next question: "Why is it hard for us to accept a decline of a friend when we invite them?" Okay, I do understand the little disappointment that comes with it since we would have really wanted our friend to spend time with us, but I have noticed that sometimes we get very disappointed with the choice of unattendance that we end up getting angry at our friend or feeling very hurt and offended. So I wonder... Do we feel rejected when a friend says no? Do we take it personally and think they just do not want to see us that is why they would say no? As I have mentioned, it has become a little different, now that I am older, it has become easier--at least for me--but thinking back, it was quite difficult when I was younger. There were a few arguments and even bigger tampo (a word that closely means disappointment, and is mixed with giving the cold shoulder to the person it is being addressed to) whenever I would say no. Maybe because when we are younger, responsibilities are not as much as when we get older, so we expect our friends to be able to say yes to many of our invitations. And when they cannot go, we get angry, offended, or very hurt. Thus, making many stick to the "I'll try" response instead. But why should we get angry, offended, or very hurt when we ourselves cannot make it to every nigh-out, dinner, party our friends invite us to? I guess we have to remember that our friends have other friends, too, that we are not the only ones in their lives. Just like us, they have friends from when they were very young, in college, at work, and from many more ways they have met the people they know. A friend of mine, who is a psychologist, told me once: "Never use a friend as a reason why you cannot go out to see your other friends. Family is okay, it can be acceptable. But another friend, maybe not." So I asked her and also thought to myself, "Why not?" Me and my stubborn ways did not want to accept it. I did not and do not want to follow that rule. Because why was it unacceptable? Our friends have other friends, and that is an inevitable fact.
So it made me wonder again: Are many of us possessive friends? Do we feel rejected if a friend declines an invitation? And because we ourselves do not like 'no', we say, "I'll try" instead? Maybe it would be better to be less possessive and let our friends just tell the truth when they cannot go. I understand 'out of the country' trips or an 'out of town' plan since we need to check our schedules first and save up for a cruise or trip away from home, so an "I'll try" answer, more often than not, is the truth--that we shall indeed try. But when we cannot make it to a party or gathering, we sometimes say "I'll try" instead of an outright "I can't go." And this is because some of us, or maybe more than just a few, are very sensitive with 'no'. Sometimes I think we need to grow more confidence in our relationships with friends. Friends are not possessions, they are people we care for. And when they cannot see us for one reason or another, it does not mean they love us less. It just means they are busy and maybe have other things they need to do. And why should we be sensitive with a decline anyway, when we ourselves would need to say no to maybe not just a few but many invitations? And I think any reason is valid as long as it is not being disrespectful to the other. If we decline properly and also be understanding ourselves, then the answer "I can't go" I think is fine. Because there are other things we may want to do aside from having a fun night with friends. And these other things are not bad things. On the contrary, it may be a journey to personal growth, improvement, or happiness. It can be anything. So if we were to do the same and may have to refuse invitations of friends, then why take it against them when they cannot make it and refuse us back? And one thing I have noticed, the more we demand, the less they want to see us. We just become an obligation to them when we force them. And those friends that do not demand at all, those are the friends they want to see all the time.
Friends are people we chose to love. They are not to own. They are not our accessories. They are individuals. And just like anyone, it is their happiness that should be our priority if we really want them around. If we want them to stick around, then maybe it is better to accept 'no' as an answer--not with a heavy heart, but with an understanding one. Our friends have other friends, just like us. And sometimes there will be days that they have to, or just want to, see those other friends of theirs. And that should be fine. I do not think we should compete with the friends of our friends. We do not own anyone, and we never will. So to let them know that we do care for them dearly, maybe it would be nice if we make them feel more free. Maybe it would be better to not take things personally, but just to understand that just like us, they have other things they need or want to do.
So next time when we invite them and they finally send a message on our phones and say, "Sorry, I can't go," and as we look at that text message again and disapprove the decline in our invitation, I guess it would be nice for us to do a little rundown in our heads and remember the memories these friends have generously shared with us. And if most of them are beautiful, then we cannot deny that they are truly our gifts. And as priceless presents, they are not to be possessed, but only cherished.
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